What would spring be without beginning the four step lawn maintenance program, especially if one has an obsession with a green lawn? Not good, I assure you, and if one is late in starting the first step, and the neighbors have already begun, even worse. So begins the season with a lawn nut. I’m not kidding.The lawn is always priority for Jim. I love a green lawn too, but I would prefer to be standing in cute little straw hat, sipping iced tea, while telling the lawn maintenance people what needs to be done. I have even suggested that to Jim. I tried the “You are older and you work hard all day, so why not let someone else tend to the lawn for us, uh, I mean you.” He didn’t bite. He finds what many call tedious when referring to pulling weeds “very relaxing.” And mowing, while we have a lot, seems to calm him. I don’t get it. But then I find raking calming and he thinks I am nuts. We are even. Almost. I do not wait for leaves to fall.
I can remember several times wondering where he was at 6pm (he usually arrives home by 5pm) only to find him outside, on the front lawn, in a suit and tie, pulling weeds on the front lawn. Apparently when he pulls up in the driveway, he looks out over his lawn hoping not to see any weeds. There simply is not time to get into work clothes with the weed starring him in the eye. It’s like a shoot out in the O.K. Corral. And heaven help the poor little weed just sitting there among the green blades of grass. Most get yanked, while others are sprayed with a killer spray, only to be yanked after suffering for a day or two. (I know they do not feel, but...)
We do have a lot of work around here and at our age (yes, I am aging) it gets to be a chore and not so much fun anymore, but the rewards are good. We do have a lawn that is green and plush and one people can be envious of, except our neighbors who along with Jim have become lawn nuts too. His lawn competitiveness is leaking outward. But that’s ok. One pretty lawn next to another pretty lawn only adds to the neighborhood.
"Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Mow Your Lawn"
10. He shows up with a pair of manicure scissors and a Ziploc
9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
8. His nickname: the Unamower
7. On the side of his mower you notice stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
6. Stops every 15 minutes to smoke some clippings
5. Using your riding mower, leads the local police on a three-hour low-speed chase
4. He's always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
3. He somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Every week he tries to match your lawn to Dennis Rodman's hair
1. No toes
